I have been writing this post for several days, and just have not had the time to finish it, I swear.
The last 2 weeks have been rough, to say the least. The most trying of my patience and energy than I have ever experienced, even more stressful than the weeks before my wedding (and if you know me or went to my wedding, you know how much time, effort, and energy went into planning that thing!). I think that I have had every emotion possible running through my body and mind, some days I find myself so overwhelmed I just want to crawl into my closet and hide (I have a pretty big closet so it may not be a bad idea! Kidding of course).
I have this blog for various reasons, to keep in touch with my family and friends, keep track of my family's life and memories, to post and share pictures…and while I love this being a "happy" place with funny stories and snippets of our life, I also think that it serves a purpose as a place to write about my feelings, if they be happy, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. I am a writer, I always have been, I can write a paper in no time flat, I love writing letters and at times its much easier for me to express my feelings with a pen and paper than my voice. So sorry if you clicked my blog today hoping for something to brighten your day, but I just have to get what I am feeling off my chest.
I did not know how hard all of this was going to be. I read tons of books and magazines, hoping to prepare myself for this huge change in our lives, hoping I would be prepared for what was ahead, and I am so far from being prepared its not even funny. I think it is a mixture of being hormonal, missing my family like crazy, lack of adult interaction (aside from my husband who I have been bickering with far too much!), feeling unsure as a parent, having a fussy newborn, and did I mention hormones?? I did not realize how flustered I would get when my daughter screams bloody murder when I do just about anything, bathing her, changing her, dressing her, being in the carseat. I thought I had the patience of a saint until I became a mom. Sometimes I just have to hand the baby off to my husband and leave the room, and when I go into the other room I just cry. I cry because I feel like I am not doing anything right, I feel like if I cant even comfort my baby then who can? I cry because I just feel overwhelmed.
I am sure this is all normal, I know I am not the only new mom who has felt this way, heck I am sure even experienced moms with 5 kids feel this way, its just all new to me and I guess I am learning to adjust. I am sure I will be learning this whole "mom" thing for the next 18 years, and I am ok with that! I think part of what makes it so hard, is the ache in my heart that I dont have my mom here with me. Sure we have the phone, text messages, emails, we even webcam now, but its just not the same. Sometimes you just NEED your mom, and now is one of those times. I have an amazing mother in law who I am so lucky to live so close to, but nothing ever can take the place of your own mom. I wish I had her here next to me those times when I have been holding my baby who has been screaming for 2 hours and I have tried everything in the book, just to tell me that its "ok" and I will make it through this. Sometimes I just long so badly to have her here I cant stand it. I know that I am extremely lucky to have them close enough that we can take a road trip or a short flight, and that my husband and I have the job flexibility that we are able to visit more often than most would. (I am counting the days until we see them at the end of this month!)
I wish I had all the answers. I wish I was able to magically stop my baby from crying, or take away her pain with the touch of a button, but the reality is, I will never be able to do that. All I can do is try my hardest, and be the best mom I know how to be, and that is all I can expect from myself. I know that my daughter will never remember that yesterday she cried for 5 hours, or that tonight we put her in the bath even though she hates every single second of it, and I am sure that it will soon be a distant memory to both my husband and me as well, but right now, this moment, this day, it is all I can think about.
I am probably rambling now, its almost midnight and I am running on little sleep and lots of caffeine, but I just had to get how I am really feeling off my chest. Yes, I know it will get better, I know it will get easier, I know that we will eventually fall into a routine, that this newborn phase will soon be behind us and I will long for her to be this little, I know my hormones will level out, and that soon when I am back to work and back into life I will feel more "normal," I know that some days will be easier than others, and there are still lots of rough days ahead.
Thanks for listening :)