I’m hangin in there.
Life feels like its frozen sometimes and others like it has just flown by.
It has been 12 weeks since my dad died.
12 crazy, hectic, sad, angry, confusing, frustrating and heart breaking weeks.
I just cant believe it.
As I continue to work through my grief, I am learning to give myself grace.
This week was really good for me. I did a couple projects to have things up in my house that I can look at to remind me of him each day. For a while there pictures were pretty painful to look at, just one glance was like a knife to my heart or like having the wind knocked out of me. Today I can walk by them and smile, thinking happy thoughts of my dad. Having them on the wall is almost like a visual reminder that he is always watching over us.
I did have a few bad moments. Moments that felt so overwhelming I just couldnt deal. Moments I just wanted to lay in bed all day under my covers. Moments I still live in deep denial that something so loved was taken from me. Moments I still try to erase what happened. Moments I wished for it all to go away. Moments I had to look in the mirror and tell myself outloud ‘my dad is gone, my dad is gone, my dad is gone. my dad is gone and I WILL be ok. I will NOT let his absence be an excuse to be absent from my own life. he would never want that. my dad is gone. gone from me physically but forever with me spiritually.’ I needed reminders from dear family and friends who are always there when I need to vent or cry. I am incredibly grateful for their wisdom and encouragement in my saddest and baddest moments.
Tonight for the first time I asked my girls to say goodnight to their Grampy on their way to bed. Up until now it was too painful because it was a harsh reminder that I couldnt just dial his number and hear his voice. They waved and kissed the frames. Olivia giggled and said ‘see you in my dreams.’ I can only pray that he comes to her in dreams or watches her while she sleeps.
For the last year every night in Olivia’s pray she would always remember to thank Jesus for her Grampy. Since he has been gone her prayers are different. Sometimes she will say ‘tell my Grampy hi’ which kills me inside but makes me so happy to know that my daughter knows that her beloved Grampy is in a better place. She is asking more about Heaven all the time, the other day she asked if we could go there to play. Bless her sweet spirit, she is already wise beyond her years to know that we will all play in Heaven forever with Jesus and our loved ones!
This week also felt like a strange transition for me, I had a lot of anxiety about forgetting my dad or losing memories of him. After thinking and praying about it I think some of that is Gods way of lifting off the memories of the weeks prior to saying goodbye, to make room for happy and fond memories that I know I will carry with me forever. I dont think God intends for us to be so caught up in thoughts of the way people died, but rather spend that time remembering how they lived.
So here I am, chugging along, slowly starting to see light shine into this sad time in mine and my family’s lives. So thankful for the innocence and love of our girls, support from my husband, and deeper love and understanding from my mom and sister.