I dreaded this post for so long.
Dreaded actually having to plug in my camera and take this photo off of the memory card.
I had 1200 other photos that I had yet to look at, all because this one just hurt too much.
I love photographs. I love having special photos of my family, my kids, my life.
This photo was the last one I would ever take with the fancy camera that my husband bought me to take more pictures of our family.
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It was taken the week before my dad was admitted to the hospital, the week he spent with our family here in Arizona, the week that I will never let my girls forget.
While I know this is not the last photo of my dad that I will ever post, it is the last picture I will ever get to eagerly upload in hopes of getting a shot with everyone looking, a shot that captures the love in the moment. The last picture I will ever have the blessing of being able to snap of my wonderful dad with his beloved grandaughters.
Its hard to even look at. Seeing it stings my heart with a hurt so deep it hurts to take a deep breath.
It hurts to know that this was my life, it was our life that was amazing with him in it, and it is no more.
I will forever treasure each and every photo I have with my dads smiling face. I have a collage of beautiful images and pretty frames waiting to be hung but the pain is just too much to begin to think about. And so they sit in our spare bedroom, waiting to be dusted off and nailed to the wall, waiting to be filled with the photos that were our life when he was still here.
Life has been hard. Grief is hard. It is messy and ugly and life changing and I wouldnt wish it upon anyone but the honest truth is that every single person will lose not one, but many people that we know and love in our lifetimes.
The comforting truth in that is that there is a loving God who wraps his arms around us even when we are facedown on our beds, drowning in tears with cries so loud they can be heard in Alaska. And even when I know that and find great comfort, right now it barely takes the edge off this sometimes paralyzing heartbreak.
Alex,
I can honestly say that 17 years after the loss of my Dad I no longer have pain about the loss but it took a really long time. I know it was over five years for me before the feelings were not so raw. Your Dad was so awesome and I know you were so close that it hurts for a long time. I am so sorry. I know the pain of the loss you feel for your girls is almost as great as what you feel yourself. It is okay for the photos to sit for as long as you need. Sometime it will bring you joy to go through them but maybe you need more time. I am glad your faith brings you such comfort. We love you.
Lisa