alex fazio

a short breather.

seriously I have never needed one more desperately than now.

Spending the last 14 days straight in the sterile walls and cool drafts of hospitals, watching my dad deteriorate so badly in front of my eyes, waiting on pins and needles with my heart beating out of my chest each time a different or new doctor walked in the door, praying and begging for a plan of some sort.

I began writing this post on my flight back home to Arizona, when there was still a glimmer of hope for my Dad, with the intent to come back when we had more concrete answers or a plan

Today there are no more answers, there is no more plan.

I am now on a plane again, this time back to California, as my family tearfully waits for me to withdraw life support on a man whose years will be cut far too short by my own selfish standards.

His liver cancer is far too advanced to qualify for a liver transplant, which was his only hope to ever leave the hospital. My Dad went into surgery to fix what is a minor problem to some, yet with the condition of his liver, post-operative decompensation of his body was just more than he could take. He went into surgery knowing that it was his only hope, and he had a very clear will that he would do everything it took to give him a better quality of life.

He fought a good fight, he brought together a whole lot of family in love and support of him and of each other. He was so honored by all the visitors that came and stood by his bedside holding his hands. He was at the best possible medical center in the country that included multiple teams of the best of the best Doctors and nurses. They all fought for him.

Gazing out this window, on a perfectly clear spring day with the sun shining bright, I cant help but think this is maybe 1/1,000,000th of a parallel to what going to Heaven will be like for my Dad today.

Flying terrifies some people, others have no fear and actually enjoy and look forward to it, some just refuse to do it.

Its the only way to get to some places, especially the most beautiful ones. Getting to the airport you may have to say goodbye to people you wish you didn’t, but you take peace in knowing where you are going. Sitting in your seat you buckle the seatbelt, hanging on tight for the ride ahead. If you are the anxious type you may visualize your destination to ease your fears, imagining just how beautiful it will be when you get there and knowing that once you arrive it wasn’t so scary after all.

When the plane takes off and flys above the earth, that knot in your stomach gets smaller and smaller, you realize the higher you go the view gets better and better. Being above the world, in the clouds and bright blue sky, has a huge sense of peace. It is something so great yet so mind boggling at the same time. How could it even be possible that I am floating above the world right now?

Arriving to your final destination is like a breath of fresh air, knowing when you walk off the plane and into that beautiful place you are completely free from all of the worries you had about getting there. The flight itself was nothing compared to the amazingness of being there.

I’ll be there when you take off today Dad, and Jesus will be right there as you land.

read the night before my dad went in for surgery

Dear Dad,

I am sitting here with you in this hospital room, praying over you for strength and comfort, on pins and needles waiting for the next team of Doctors to come in with more concrete answers about the plan of care and risks involved.

This week has been an emotional one, hopeless and discouraging yet hopeful and encouraging at the same time. More importantly, this week has been about you. My personal struggles this week are nothing in relation to the pain and discomfort you have endured, the pokes and prods and scans and tests. I know that being in a hospital takes away so much of your privacy and independence, and being here as shown me first hand that it has also taken away some of your spirit.

I am so humbled to hear you say that me being by your side makes you feel at peace, and that I am like an angel to you. I am honored that the profession that I chose has allowed me to stand by your side not just as your daughter but also as an advocate. I am so thankful the last 10 years I have dedicated to my career and education are able to give back to the last 30 years you have dedicated to being such a wonderful father.

Dad, you are one of my best friends. You have always been my biggest cheerleader and I dont know if you realize how much that has gotten me through some of my lifes biggest challenges. You have always been someone I can talk to or call who never passes judgment or criticizes. You just love me the way that I am and gently guide me the way you have my entire life and I hope that as an adult I am just a glimmer of the greatness that you are. I know you have struggled throughout life at times too, but you have always kept your eyes on what is most important to you, loving and being with your family.

I know these next few days are going to be trying on our family, but I just pray for you to go into this with hope and a vision for your future. One that will be free from pain and discomfort, filled with fun times as a family, watching the Dodgers and Lakers. Trips to the park, the sun on our faces and the grass at our feet. Fresh strawberries and watermelon, sourdough toast with peanut butter and hot sauce. Olivia, Asher, Gianna. All of your favorite things.

We are going to get through this together Dad, there is a reason God put your care in the hands of Dr Fong and a reason all of these people are playing a part in your care. The first 5 minutes he spent with you he said the Doctors at the other hospital were right, you are such a nice man and he was honored to meet you. They see in you what we see, a man full of life and love and kindness who needs a few miracles to line up just right to get you well enough to get back to that.

I believe in all of this, that God has this huge plan that we just cant see right now through all of this pain and worry.He has your heart in his hands and my wish would be that you visualize that tomorrow as you go into surgery. Keep your eyes on all that you love and don’t worry about the rest.

God’s got this.