• welcome to my blog

    I'm alex and this is my little corner of the universe I use to share and document my life. I am a wife to the worlds greatest husband, mommy of two precious (and adorable!) little girls, a sinner saved by grace, craft lover, semi-organized, wanna-be-neat-freak, post it note loving, list writing, diet coke obsessed girl living in sunny Arizona.

    I have journaled and blogged in one form or another for several years and now just feel an overwhelming urge to document everything in my life. Social media makes it so much easier to remember the day to day things that are so easy to forget, thank goodness for i-phones and facebook! That combined with my lens and my passion to make a beautiful life filled with memories for my children is the motivation behind my words. Writting is where I find relaxation and peace and I hope reading along does the same for you.

this is rough

There is no easy way to say it.

Mourning a loss is just plain rough.

There is nothing to prepare you for the emotions you are feeling and will continue to feel in the days and weeks to come. No guide or list of how things will happen. No book to simplify the greatness that is a loss so close to your heart.

I am at my parents home this entire week, and everywhere I turn is a reminder of my dad. His toothbrush, his clothes in the laundry, his side of the bed, his garden, his favorite shows, his garage.

They are like a double edged sword really, in one light they are a comfort to know that he really isn’t all that far away and his memory will never leave us.In another light seeing them is a giant smack of reality right in your face that these things that he touched just 4 short weeks ago are things he will never touch again. I remind myself that no matter if these things are here or not, his memory is so deeply rooted in my life I would still think of him every day for the rest of my time here on earth.

Some things that are helping me this week have been reaching out to friends and family, whether they have experienced a loss in their lives or not, just to know they care for you and love you and are thinking of you.Worship music, I love listening to the songs I played for my dad in the hours of his passing. They bring me so much comfort even though they bring back vivid images of that day. Being with my mom, comforting her when she is hurting or laughing with her when remembering my dad. Little kids. Chocolate.

The single most comforting thing to me in these first days of mourning his loss have been the hope that when I fall asleep just maybe I will see him or hear his voice in my dreams.

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:(

Yesterday I kissed my dad for the very last time.

Yesterday I wept in the arms of so many loving family members, all hurting from our tremendous loss.

Today I woke up and after I rubbed the much needed sleep out of my eyes, my heart broke all over again.

Today I woke up next to my mom, in the bed my parents slept in together for 30 years.

Today we both wept in each others arms.

Today I read my devotional, and it gave me a small sense of peace in this huge sea of sadness.

‘Thank me in the midst of the crucible. When things seem all wrong, look for growth opportunities. Especially look for areas where you need to let go, leaving your cares in My able hands. Do you trust Me to orchestrate your life events as I choose, or are you still trying to make things go according to your will? If you keep trying to carry out your intentions while I am leading you in another direction you deify your desires.

Be on the lookout for what I am doing in your life. Worship Me by living close to Me, thanking Me in all circumstances.’

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you 1 Peter 5:6-7

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May 14, 2012 - 9:35 am

Carley - Alex, I am crying with you. Your faith is so evident in this moment. Keep dwelling on the Father’s strength. Draw near to him. I am here for you.

May 16, 2012 - 6:38 am

Jacqueline@MarblesRolling - Oh, my heart aches reading this. I’m so sorry. Sending love and strength your way.

a short breather.

seriously I have never needed one more desperately than now.

Spending the last 14 days straight in the sterile walls and cool drafts of hospitals, watching my dad deteriorate so badly in front of my eyes, waiting on pins and needles with my heart beating out of my chest each time a different or new doctor walked in the door, praying and begging for a plan of some sort.

I began writing this post on my flight back home to Arizona, when there was still a glimmer of hope for my Dad, with the intent to come back when we had more concrete answers or a plan

Today there are no more answers, there is no more plan.

I am now on a plane again, this time back to California, as my family tearfully waits for me to withdraw life support on a man whose years will be cut far too short by my own selfish standards.

His liver cancer is far too advanced to qualify for a liver transplant, which was his only hope to ever leave the hospital. My Dad went into surgery to fix what is a minor problem to some, yet with the condition of his liver, post-operative decompensation of his body was just more than he could take. He went into surgery knowing that it was his only hope, and he had a very clear will that he would do everything it took to give him a better quality of life.

He fought a good fight, he brought together a whole lot of family in love and support of him and of each other. He was so honored by all the visitors that came and stood by his bedside holding his hands. He was at the best possible medical center in the country that included multiple teams of the best of the best Doctors and nurses. They all fought for him.

Gazing out this window, on a perfectly clear spring day with the sun shining bright, I cant help but think this is maybe 1/1,000,000th of a parallel to what going to Heaven will be like for my Dad today.

Flying terrifies some people, others have no fear and actually enjoy and look forward to it, some just refuse to do it.

Its the only way to get to some places, especially the most beautiful ones. Getting to the airport you may have to say goodbye to people you wish you didn’t, but you take peace in knowing where you are going. Sitting in your seat you buckle the seatbelt, hanging on tight for the ride ahead. If you are the anxious type you may visualize your destination to ease your fears, imagining just how beautiful it will be when you get there and knowing that once you arrive it wasn’t so scary after all.

When the plane takes off and flys above the earth, that knot in your stomach gets smaller and smaller, you realize the higher you go the view gets better and better. Being above the world, in the clouds and bright blue sky, has a huge sense of peace. It is something so great yet so mind boggling at the same time. How could it even be possible that I am floating above the world right now?

Arriving to your final destination is like a breath of fresh air, knowing when you walk off the plane and into that beautiful place you are completely free from all of the worries you had about getting there. The flight itself was nothing compared to the amazingness of being there.

I’ll be there when you take off today Dad, and Jesus will be right there as you land.

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May 13, 2012 - 9:43 am

lauren Mitchell - this was beautiful Alex! I am so sorry for your loss. My father is with yours in heaven. Im here if you ever need to talk.

One day at a time

These last 48 hours have been harder than all of my life’s challenges crammed together and multiplied by 100.

My dad is hanging on.

As for me, some moments I feel like I am gripping this string of hope with every ounce of my strength, determined to do everything I can to not let go and other moments I feel like the string has just been ripped out of my grip leaving me with broken hands and shattered hope.

God is really working here, I know that all of this is in his plan that he wrote out for every single one of us before we were even born, it’s just really hard to keep my eyes on that in these hopeless moments.

Seeing my dad in the ICU, confused and unable to recognize any of us, it’s really hard. Hard that we can’t comfort him, hard that nothing we say makes anything any better and actually makes him worse.

My family is going strong, we are a lucky bunch with so much support and love it’s unbelievable. I don’t know how we got so blessed.

The minutes before my dad went into surgery, knowing how high the risk was and that it may be our last time being able to tell him anything, the Lord was speaking so loud on my heart to just pray over him, and I mustered up the courage and did it. My sister, mom and I all joined hands with my dad and I prayed. I have no idea what I said but it was totally a ‘God thing’ and I know he just used me as a vessel in that room to remind us all that it’s all in his hands and we just have to trust.

And now we wait. We watch these Doctors and Nurses do their magic, keeping us informed, being optimistic yet realistic at the same time. We are at the single best place he could ever be to give him the chance at life that he made it clear he was willing to do anything to have. We watch them support my dads life while he waits and we pray for his only hope: a liver transplant.

How could this be? My dad being in the ICU waiting for a liver transplant?

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May 8, 2012 - 11:07 am

Carley - Alex. I am beaming with pride. So proud of you sister and praying for your sweet daddy.

Dear Dad

read the night before my dad went in for surgery

Dear Dad,

I am sitting here with you in this hospital room, praying over you for strength and comfort, on pins and needles waiting for the next team of Doctors to come in with more concrete answers about the plan of care and risks involved.

This week has been an emotional one, hopeless and discouraging yet hopeful and encouraging at the same time. More importantly, this week has been about you. My personal struggles this week are nothing in relation to the pain and discomfort you have endured, the pokes and prods and scans and tests. I know that being in a hospital takes away so much of your privacy and independence, and being here as shown me first hand that it has also taken away some of your spirit.

I am so humbled to hear you say that me being by your side makes you feel at peace, and that I am like an angel to you. I am honored that the profession that I chose has allowed me to stand by your side not just as your daughter but also as an advocate. I am so thankful the last 10 years I have dedicated to my career and education are able to give back to the last 30 years you have dedicated to being such a wonderful father.

Dad, you are one of my best friends. You have always been my biggest cheerleader and I dont know if you realize how much that has gotten me through some of my lifes biggest challenges. You have always been someone I can talk to or call who never passes judgment or criticizes. You just love me the way that I am and gently guide me the way you have my entire life and I hope that as an adult I am just a glimmer of the greatness that you are. I know you have struggled throughout life at times too, but you have always kept your eyes on what is most important to you, loving and being with your family.

I know these next few days are going to be trying on our family, but I just pray for you to go into this with hope and a vision for your future. One that will be free from pain and discomfort, filled with fun times as a family, watching the Dodgers and Lakers. Trips to the park, the sun on our faces and the grass at our feet. Fresh strawberries and watermelon, sourdough toast with peanut butter and hot sauce. Olivia, Asher, Gianna. All of your favorite things.

We are going to get through this together Dad, there is a reason God put your care in the hands of Dr Fong and a reason all of these people are playing a part in your care. The first 5 minutes he spent with you he said the Doctors at the other hospital were right, you are such a nice man and he was honored to meet you. They see in you what we see, a man full of life and love and kindness who needs a few miracles to line up just right to get you well enough to get back to that.

I believe in all of this, that God has this huge plan that we just cant see right now through all of this pain and worry.He has your heart in his hands and my wish would be that you visualize that tomorrow as you go into surgery. Keep your eyes on all that you love and don’t worry about the rest.

God’s got this.

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