Almost a month and not a blog post in sight! I have several excusesreasons for the lack of posts I swear. A family illness, getting my wisdom teeth removed, throwing my back out, a week long trip to Cali, switching to night shift (7pm-7am), and growing a human (more on that later). While these have all been major interruptions in my life and ability to blog, none even begin to compare to the loss a dear friend of mine experienced last month.
On July 28th, 2010 my sweet friends life was forever changed. My heart, along with the hearts of many family, friends, co-workers, and members of the community were broken and have continued to remain broken for her incredible loss and the amazing sacrifice her husband made on behalf of the safety of our community. Officer Ledesma was killed in the line of duty while working as an undercover narcotics agent. Not only was he a dedicated police officer and narcotics agent, but a proud marine, loving husband, and wonderful father to 2 young boys. While I didn’t know Carlos, I have heard many stories about him through his wife when we would talk about our family and kids at work, have seen him a handful of times bringing the boys by to see their mommy after a wrestling match, and know most definitely from attending the most amazing funeral services I have ever witnessed to lay this fallen hero. The outpouring of support from local law enforcement and the community was truly amazing, and continues to be as there are still several fundraisers and memorials taking place in his honor and in support of his beautiful family.
His funeral services were so heartfelt, touching, chilling, and tearful. He was laid to rest like a true American hero and deserved nothing less. Remembering his service will forever bring tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart. Listening to his partners, friends, and family tell stories and memories of him, seeing his wife and two sons sobbing as they proudly walked behind Carlos’s casket that was rightfully covered with a beautiful American flag as he was brought into the church. The sound of our sweet friends sobs as she realized the greatness of his tribute, yet the reality of why she was there. The faces of all who attended trying to choke back tears while paying respects. All of the long hugs we gave to each other that day, each trying to comfort the other yet not knowing if we would be helping or making it worse. The motorcade of hundreds and hundreds of uniformed officers escorting the hearse during the processional to his burial. The streets that were lined with thousands of people of the community, waving American flags, holding up hand written signs and posters, saluting and shedding tears to pay their own respects to a man they may have never known but wanted to honor anyway. The grave site was filled with hundreds of various law enforcement and military personnel and Carlos was laid to rest with more love, honor, and respect I will probably ever see in my lifetime. A beautiful song was sung in his memory, a proper gun salute, bagpipes and drums, and a very tearful final call of duty that was played for everyone in attendance to hear. Carlos was loved and respected by so many, and my wish for that day is that his wife and boys will be able to look back and be proud of how honored their husband and father was on the day he was laid to rest.
Through all of this I have felt a huge amount of sadness of course, but also a lot of guilt, as have many of my friends and co-workers. We have cried with each other, wondering how we would ever have the strength ourselves to be strong for our friend, all feeling guilt that we had our normal lives at home with husbands and kids who did not have to experience such a great loss, and not knowing how we would even begin to comfort her. Let me just say, I have some amazingly strong friends that I am proud to know. Many who stayed by her side day and night and continue to do so, who organized things and were sources of information, who controlled the chaos that was the first week of his death, and that continue to do anything and everything to support Carlos’s family. Friends who have stayed level headed and been the shoulder of others to cry on, friends who have been strong enough to pray for everyone involved rather than be angry that God took such an amazing man.
While Carlos will never be forgotten, it is inevitable that the grief will likely lessen slowly over time, that the pain will get better, and this tragedy will someday turn into the a memory of a hero rather than the fresh wounds of losing your beloved husband and dedicated father. I have prayed for my friend countless times, pleaded with God to let me take away 1/1,000,000,000th of her pain, begged that he would just make this all a dream and Carlos would still be here with us. As some time has passed, I have realized that God will not let me take her pain, he will allow me to feel my own pain for her loss and will ask me to be strong for her and others. It is really difficult to pick any “good” out of a situation that has been nothing but tragedy and heartbreak, but as I sat there during his service and held on to every word the pastor spoke, hoping that something would stick out to give people 1% of comfort, something positive did come of this. I think that God spoke to everyone during Carlos’s service through the pastor that day, some very powerful things were said, many of which were about Carlos’s faith before he began his life with our heavenly father. Him and his family had began attending the church where his services were held a year prior to his death. They went every Sunday and listened to the powerful messages of the word of God, and sang and worshiped as a family. They spent Sundays after church together, honoring the family bond they all shared and Carlos took it all very seriously. He accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour. He carried around a Bible and read it often and prayed daily. Him and his wife learned about the importance of having the Lord in their marriage and home life, and their marriage was stronger than ever the months prior to his passing. The pastor made several references to how prepared Carlos was to meet the Lord, and in a gentle attempt to give those in presence something they could do that would honor Carlos, he asked many times “are you prepared ?” It really hit home for me, and if there is anything I can take away from this experience I hope it is that of faith. There are no amount of hugs I can give my friend, no number of meals I can make, no number of phone calls or texts I can send that will help her through her grief. I will be here to comfort and support, but what can I do in my own life that will honor Carlos and help myself grieve? What can all of the friends, family, and community that have been affected by this loss and want so badly to be able to reach out do? Short answer: prepare ourselves. Dig deep into our hearts and pray. Pray that God will show us how to have a stronger faith, how to know him and trust him, how to read his word and really understand what it says so we can better structure our lives around it. Start going to church to hear his word and worship him. Explore our desire to want to love God but sometimes just not knowing how or where to start. I am starting now. I want to be prepared, because life is too short and not one of us knows when our last day here will be. Sometimes we live like we are invincible and we are not promised that, the only thing really promised is life and death.
Thank you Carlos, that through your life and death, you will bring many of us closer to the Lord, you will give many of us a desire to be more prepared for our day. You have given us all a reason to hug our families tighter and make our prayers longer. You have taught us that life is precious, but to live it to the fullest and give everything 100%. You will forever be remembered as a hero and warrior. May you Rest in Peace forever.
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